Comforting Words for Those Who Had To Put Their Parents to Long Term Care

Armen Hareyan's picture
Putting a parent in nursing home

I just had to put my mother in long term care. I had been alone trying to take care of her since she was released from skilled nursing 6 weeks ago. My heart is broken as I tried so hard to make it work. She kept thinking I was my Grandma instead of her daughter. It was heartbreaking and I didn't understand. I have read your posts this morning and now know I am not alone. This is the worst time of/in my life without any doubt.

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Putting a parent in nursing home is one of the most difficult decisions some people have to make in this life and that means dealing with a lot of emotions. I am a Christian and do not believe in putting a parent in nursing home and there is this sense of guilt associated with it. But I don't want to make judgements here and accept that this is a very difficult decision people make in their lives.

Today at Support for Dementia & Alzheimer's Caregivers group on Facebook I read the above mentioned comment from a member named Donna and wanted to share with you the comforting words of other children who have gone through the decision of putting their parents in nursing homes. Here is what they say.

Putting a Dementia Parent in Nursing Home Is a Very Difficult Decision

I had to place my Mom which was very hard. She is well cared for and happier. She has activities and friends. We are in this together and no judgements here, sending hugs. - DeRossa

Try to remember that with Alzheimer's, they basically go backwards from adult to teen years then to childhood, then toddler years then infant years just before they pass. So, depending on the stage, they will sometimes see you as a sister, or later her mother, and towards the end maybe her grandmother. Just think of it as her clock works backwards. Robert

All you can do is remember to say "I love you" over and over. There's good days and bad. It's OK that she thinks you are her mom, she feels loved. Don't argue, you aren't in their world, the world they live in is very real to them. I would tell mother I didn't remember when she shared some of her thoughts that I knew weren't accurate. I just loved hearing her talk, because I knew there would be a day her voice became silent. - Pat

Later, in the discussion, Donna, who originally shared about her mom, wrote and said that her mom has shown signs of the disease even as long ago as 7 year's. She was in independent living until she fell outside of her apartment complex on September 23rd. She has never made it back from her concussion. "I am an only child and so it has always been just me and my mother. She is my world and vice versa. She is still here and I am so grateful for that but I am grieving like she has left me. I didn't learn all the thing's I needed to learn about this disease and it's stages although her mother had dementia and my aunt just passed away from it in August. Just reading all of your comments let's me know I have support from people who know what's happening," Donna wrote.

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There Is Guilt, But Sometimes It May Seem Almost Impossible To Provide Better Care

I did the same in January. This was the hardest thing I have ever done as it felt like a betrayal. But I just couldn’t care for her and my family and doing well for anyone. She passed Oct 23. I will say, if you’re close enough to visit then do. I cherish the many visits I had with my mom and miss going. Hugs. - Suzanne

We are all in this fight against this Terrible disease together. It feels good to talk to others who truly understand with the same experiences not folks who give sympathy like "I am Sorry" I understand they don't know what to say to us, but here Everyone Gets It. Prayers for you and mom. - Gee

I can so relate. My dad has been in his memory care facility for 18 months. He gets great care, but it breaks my heart to see him decline. (Has Parkinson's also) Prayers for your mom. And for you. - Laura

I have walked in your shoes. So I will say a prayer for you and hope you have a blessed day love and prayers for all. - Meri

Surely Sense of Guilt, But Here Is What You Can do

People are saying it was difficult or impossible to carry for your parent who doesn't remember you, has Dementia and can't live at home without care. Prayers do help. Pray for them and for the nurses who care for your parents daily. Visit your parents very often. Few times a week. Visit them and hug them even though they don't recognize you. God sees this and you recognize your parent. Your mom and dad will know this in heaven that you were with them even though they didn't know who you were. Add to this a holy life that you need to live to compensate the sense of guilt you feel about putting your parent in nursing home. Also, very importantly, do good to others. Care for other people. Care for them as if they were your parents and near to you. There are millions of people in this world who need help. Care for them, help them. Other people in nursing home care for your parents, it's your turn to care for those who work with you, who go to church and worship with you, who live in your neighborhood, or just go and volunteer at least once a week in your city's soup kitchen.

Please, let us know if you had to go through the difficult decision of putting your parent in nursing home. What ways have you found to comfort others and how were you comforted. God bless you and have a blessed day. If you liked this article and think it may help your friends, consider sharing or tweeting it to your followers. Also see how to choose a nursing home, in case you have to go through this painful decision.

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