Parental Communication at Its Best

Parenting and Communication

My daughter is in 6th grade and I am getting the impression that we are not communicating very well anymore. Can you offer some advice before this apparent communication gap becomes more serious?

Communication between parents and children is a basic foundation of successful parenting. Communication is the mechanism we use to teach children rules, values and how to become responsible adults. There will be times it seems we are not communicating well with our children. A simple example could be that a parent is busy and the child asks to talk at a time that's not convenient, so we put them off. This makes the child feel that their concerns are not important.

Here are several points that can help parents in establishing and maintaining good communication with a child:

• Establish communication at an early age. Interestingly enough, if a parent talks to the infant or toddler in a give-and-take conversation, this establishes communication between child and parent at an early age, which can then be maintained. As the child grows, parents should change their communication approach to accommodate the child's level of development. It may be quite appropriate to say nothing more than, "No, you must not do that," with a 2-year-old, but a 4-year-old responds better to an explanation as to why you have said no.

• Always make time to talk to your children and more importantly, time for your children to talk to you. Family meals are an excellent time for general conversation and communication, but in addition, each child needs to be able to approach a parent with more personal or private concerns. For these conversations, pick a time when you have time to talk with the child and make sure it's a reasonably quiet spot where you and the child will not be disturbed.

• Listen carefully and show interest. The child's conversation may be long and drawn out but show respect for his ideas and feelings by listening. If you maintain eye contact, children will realize you are engaged in their conversation. Try not to interrupt. Do not dominate the conversation. All of us are prone to want to talk more than we want to listen.

• Listen for hidden messages. Children do not always talk about everything that concerns them. Your child may be hesitant to bring up her real concerns and may spend several minutes in general conversation without coming to a point. Make sure you give your child time to talk through her concerns.

• Be honest and fair. All children in the family should know they are entitled to their own personal time to communicate with their parents. When your child brings up subjects you disagree with, be honest and listen to their viewpoint, but communicate your own.

• Avoid turning your conversations into criticisms and strictly telling your child what they should do. An explanation of what you believe and what you think should be done is much more likely to be accepted by your child rather than a criticism.

• Do not tease, blame or engage in fault-finding. Never belittle or "put down" your child.

• Be a parent first, not a pal. In your conversations with your children, do not be afraid to discuss your viewpoint, what you would hope they will do and your reasons for setting family rules. If children know their parents are interested in them as individuals and know they truly love and respect them, these ideas are supported through ongoing engagement and conversation, children are much more likely to understand and be willing to live by the rules. Children will respect their parents for being adults and can truly become confused if parents try to be more of a friend at the child's level rather than the parent the child needs.

Children always need limits. Being able to rely on their parents to set consistent, reasonable limits gives children a secure emotional base when they deal with other children, school, etc.

If, in spite of everything, you are still unable to communicate with your child, you should not hesitate to discuss this with your pediatrician because there are numerous ways to improve communication skills. Thoughtful communication with your children, with attention to your child's thoughts and ideas, is a mainstay in child-rearing.

Information for this article came from a recent American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) publication. More information can be found on the AAP Web site at www.aap.org